The MEPS Experience

OK. So if you don't know it by now MEPS stands for Military Entrance Processing Station. Yes, for everything in the government, there is an acronym. It's annoying, but you better get used to it. This is the facility you will visit shortly after you decide that you want to join. They will give you a medical exam, make sure all of you paperwork is in order and, if you haven't already, help you to select a job.

My MEPS experience was a little bit of a headache. Where do I begin...

To start with, my recruiter told me last second that he wasn't going to be the one taking me up to Pittsburgh. He said that another person from their office was taking a guy up so I would be riding with him. The guy was really friggn annoying. He was telling stupid jokes and horrible stories. One of those people who like the sound of his own voice. Yea, he totally thought that his jokes were the funniest thing in the world. Well, they weren't.

When we arrived at the hotel he walked us upstairs to the liaison's office so that we could sign in. I told the guy at the desk my name. He searched through his pile of papers for a few minutes and then told me that my name wasn't on the list. He didn't seem to think anything of it. He gave me a room key and a meal ticket and explained how everything would work. I thanked him and went off to find my room.

The room was ok. Nothing fancy, but not a scummy, roach infested dump either. The one thing that I can say was wrong with the room was the lack of electrical outlets. I had to pull out the bed and unplug the alarm clock in order to charge my phone. That was a bit annoying but I could live with it. I went downstairs to call the wife and then walked around a bit until dinner was being served. The food was ok. It was boring and bland but it free. You can't ask for too much. After my meal I went back upstairs and relaxed in the room for a bit. After a few hours I jumped in shower and went to bed.

Wake-up call was at 0430. Breakfast was at 0500. The bus loaded up at 0530. The bus was exactly like what I have always expected. Totally white, unmarked, dark black tinted windows. We arrived at the MEPS building and were ordered off the bus and instructed to line up at the door. While we stood and waited another man began to brief us on the security procedures for entering and exiting the building. We walked through the main doors and showed our ID's to the guard at the door. We then had to pass through metal detectors and past a group of guards with wands. After that we were told to take the elevator to the 21st floor.

When we got up to our floor we went straight over to the Army Liaison's office to get our name tags and lunch tickets. When I told the guy my name he said..."Hm. Your name isn't on my list. I'll look into this." He didn't seem to be too concerned about it. So I didn't think anything of it at all. He handed me my folder and instructed me to head over to the reception desk so that I can check in. The guy at the desk told me that I was put down in the system as a walk in and that they would not be able to process me today. I began to get a little aggravated now. I explained to the guy at the desk that this was the last day possible for me to process for the job reservation that I had made (they give you 7 days from the date that your recruiter pulls the job). He told me to go back and speak with the liaison. The liaison then did his little run around to try and get me a spot to take the ASVAB and then do my medical exam but they had no seats available.

After talking to the guy for a few minutes I was able to figure out that the night prior, HE fucked up my paper work. My name wasn't put on the roster to be processed so they had no open seats for me. Now, I may sound calm about this right now, but at the time I was absolutely livid. This was the LAST day that I was able to process for the job I wanted and this douche-bag fucked it up for me. Well, he instructed me to wait around for his boss and we would figure out what would happen. I sat around for about 2 hours until his boss arrived at 0900. They called me back into the office and his boss looked over my documents. He told me that they were 99.9% sure that they would be able to get the job back for me but there was no way that they could get me in to process that day. He said the best that he could do is schedule me to take the ASVAB that same evening and then I would have to stay at the hotel another night and finish the medical and stuff in the morning. By this time it was around 1030. I was even more angry than I was before. I was not prepared to stay at the hotel another night away from my wife and daughter. I immediately went downstairs so that I could call my recruiter and wife. After explaining to them what was going on I decided to go back in for lunch.

After lunch I went back outside to speak to my recruiter and my family again. Nothing seemed to be going right today. Things that I didn't even know could go wrong went wrong. It was at this point that I realized I had left my cell phone charger in the hotel room. I was so ready to just throw my fucking arms up and quit. It just seemed like everything was telling me that this just wasn't supposed to happen. I figured I would stick it out. I was serious about my commitment this time and didn't want to be told NO.

 I was forced to goof off until 1800 when I was scheduled to take my exam. After the test I jumped on the shuttle and went back to the hotel. I called my wife while I was waiting for the shuttle to let her know that my test had gone well. It was then that I noticed that my cell phone's battery was low. I realized that I had left my charger in the room last night. That's ok, I'll just ask about it at the front desk. It'll be ok... Yea right...

I got back to the hotel and they informed me that the lost and found was behind a locked door. The only person who had a key to that door would not be back in the hotel until 0700 tomorrow morning. I explained to the lady that I would be leaving to go back up to MEPS before they would be back. She said "We can mail it to you..." That was not sufficient. I needed my phone charged and I needed it NOW. Why the hell would they not have access to the lost and found in the evening just because the housekeeping staff was not working. That's bullshit. I went and asked someone else. He walked me around the hotel for a while to try and find someone who could help. We came across a janitor. This man was the nicest person that I have ever met. He walked me around the bowels of the hotel for 1.5 hours trying to find my charger or a charger that would work on my phone. We had exhausted all efforts. I stopped into the gift shop and asked if they had any chargers. They did not. The man asked me what was going on so I explained to him what had happened. Turns out that the charger for his phone was the same as mine!!! He let me plug my phone in and leave it in the store for a few hours. I went and had dinner and payed xbox for a while and then went to retrieve my phone. I will say that the hotel was kind of annoying in the way they handled the lost and found but most of the staff at the hotel were so incredibly nice to me. It was amazing!

So I got up the next morning, had breakfast and jumped on the bus. I check in at MEPS... everything was going right for a change.

They first bring you into a briefing room and explain to you how to fill out the paperwork with the proper date format and such. Then they go over a few power point slide shows and give you a breathalyzer test to make sure you aren't drunk. LoL. Hm... You then have your blood pressure taken. After that you move on to the vision exam. It was a standard vision exam. Color test, depth perception.... etc. Then you go on to the hearing test. This was a LARGE sound-proof booth with 6 seats inside. Each seat faced the outer walls and were separated by curtains. You put on a pair of really uncomfortable headphones and grab hold of a 'clicker' device and push the button each time you hear a noise. Next you go to a central room where you are waiting for several other tasks to be completed. Here is were I gave a blood sample to test for AIDS and HIV, a urine sample to test for drugs, and then had an interview with the doctor. This is where some people freak out. Yes, your recruiter may ask you to lie about your medical history. Trust me, he will not tell you to cover something up that could potentially be fatal or otherwise cause problems for you in the military. The doctor wasn't very probing. He just went over my answers with me to make sure that everything was filled in properly. After this point you move on to the dreaded 'agility and flexibility' test. Yes my friends, you will do the duck walk. LoL. They bring a group of guys into an open room. They make you all strip down to your undies and then they weigh and measure you. You will go through a series of exercises to make sure that your joints are working properly. After this test you will see the doctor again for a quick exam. He checks ur brown eye for bleeders and will go over a few other items and that's it. You are done with medical! YAY! Now you can hurry up and wait. There are shit tons of back and forths with various paperwork shits. Its really annoying.

After it's all said and done you will take the oath and be sworn in. You can breath easy. You are in. Congrats!!!  If you haven't realized it by now, they were able to correct their mistake and get the job (and bonus) back for me. I was happy by the time I left. Once I got out my recruiter was already waiting on me. He had went to the hotel before coming to get me so that he could grab my charger. YAY!. Everything that had gone TOTALLY crazy wrong the day before had worked out perfectly this day! Thank god!